A Throwback Letter for Asher

Unlike Ashley, Asher went through early schooling the traditional way.  He was only 3.3 yrs old when he entered preschool as a Nursery student.  If I have only known about the advantages of delaying formal schooling during his time, I would have homeschooled him, too, until he was ready and age-appropriate for formal kindergarten academic training.  Not that I have regrets as Asher had a blast in his 3 years of schooling in a brick and mortar school but I would love to have spent more time with him and to have been his first teacher.

Asher 1

Asher on his First Day in Nursery – June 27, 2011

He is 7.3 years old now and just started his first day as a Second Grader today.  Oh boy!  My unico hijo is growing up way too fast. Reading this letter that I blogged 4 years ago made me feel so sentimental and at the same time proud how he’s growing up as a fine young man today.

The 2nd Grader Asher - June 15, 2015

The 2nd Grader Asher – June 15, 2015

So let’s go down the memory lane and perhaps, shed a tear with me as I recall how the preggy mom that I was battled separation anxiety.

Blogged on July 7, 2011.

Title: Separation Anxiety

Dearest Asher,

The day that I’m dreading has finally come.  Today is the first time that I didn’t accompany you to school.  You were hesitant at first when Mommy told you that I couldn’t go with you anymore.  But after a while and seeing that I wasn’t dressed up while I prepped you this morning, you were okay with the idea and just said “opo” when I reminded you to behave in school (no running! so Teacher will give you a star), participate well in the class, share toys with your classmates, wait for Kuya Alex inside the classroom when class is over and just enjoy school.

Your school service came and you ran outside ahead of us as you would always do every morning.  By this time, I was already battling my emotions and fighting back my tears.  I told Mang Kiko (the driver) all the “bilins” I’ve prepared.  You were inside the school service and you’re looking at me.  This is the most hurtful moment this morning, my son.  You didn’t cry but looking at your face, I know you’re sad, too, that you’re leaving without Mommy sitting by your side.  I tried to smile while I waved and bid you goodbye the moment the school service started moving.  My tears started to well up so I turned around while I shot a last glance of you.  You were still looking at me and Yayie, unmoving.  I went inside the house and that’s when I burst into tears.

I really can’t believe that you’re big na, my son.  I know how much you want me to stay with you in school.  Believe me, anak, I also would just want to be beside you all the time.  But that’s not possible.  Part of your growing up means you have to start spreading your wings and learn how to fly…to stand on your own…to be independent.  Life is like that, son.  Our absence does not mean we love you less.  We love you so much that’s why we’re letting you learn, enjoy and experience life.

Just like you, we also must learn how to let you grow.    We can’t stop the time and “baby” you forever.  Believe me, it’s hard for me to see you go alone a while ago but I also need to learn..and grow, too, anak.  By the way, thank you for making it easier for me somehow.  It would have been doubly hard for me if you cried while leaving.

As I’m starting this new paragraph, I’m feeling better now.  In just a few minutes, you’ll be coming home and we’ll be together again.  I’m so missing you very much, anak!  I’m sorry if I’m so sentimental now and can’t help to recall your newborn days when you were still so small and delicate.  I wholeheartedly gave up working in the corporate world to take care of you full time.  I’ve seen you first smile, babble, eat, crawl, walk, run and all of your other monumental firsts.  Now, you’re preschooling, eating, dressing up by yourself, brushing your teeth atop a two step stool, even bathing on your own.   I’m beyond happy to witness all of that.  For 3 years that I’ve been with you and see you grow each and every second of the day, this day is really painful yet I’m proud for both of us.

Tomorrow will be another painful day..but I just know that we’ll both be better…until we’re fully okay.  Sooner or later, I might be crying again out of anxiety not because of separation but you might be shooing away Mommy because you’re “binata” na.  Hayyyy!  I really can’t believe you’re big na, Kuya!  We love you so much…up to the moon…and back.

Xoxo,
Mommy

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PS: On another note, how I wish I continued to blog these precious mommy moments and thoughts and didn’t experience blogging burnout for more than a year.  Ang sarap lang balik-balikan eh!  Here’s to more inspiration and drive to continue blogging in this 7 year old blog of mine.